so, my hearts been super heavy this week. while searching for female christian artist for my friend, i ran across Lisa Gungor. (if u have no idea who she is..take a listen) Well i've heard of her song "wrap me in Your arms" but the first song to play on her page is called "Canvas." Yeahh... i broke out in tears that streamed freely down my face. Gosh...i felt as if this piece of me that had been locked up just waiting for the right time to reveal itself & burst out & screamed..."SEE!!!" For since i can remember, i was always the kidd who would have rather had a color& coloring books than dolls & barbies. (of course those were awesome too) && I remember coming straight from school && tracing pictures out of my reading books until i had traced every single object in all the books i owned. Gosh...it was just an amazing feeling as a kidd to be good at something not everyone else was good at. && i remember drawing pics for my friends & family...& i grew up around paintin & the arts because of my nanny. (she was sooo cool) i loved sittin in a chair beside her & just watch her paint. it was moments that i truly saw her happy. which were rare because she was a very serious person who showed little emotion. But one of the last times i remember seeing her draw in one of my little notepads was one i will cherish with me forever. It was a picture of her house growing up as a kid. While painting, she told me stories of her childhood & growing up in that house. She said, "though this house no longer exist, it exist in my memories still just the same as if i was sittin here looking at it." =] happiness covered her entire face.
Since that day, she has impacted a great part of my heart. Art has always been a passion of mine. Though i'm not exactly great at it... i know it's buried in my heart just waiting to be dugg up, dusted off, & put to use. Though many people don't take this part of me seiously, i know that it's a part of my life i wish i could pour out more often. There's many times in my life when i've just sat down & let my hand do the work. (no telling what they create) it may look like total mess to you but to me it could me heartache & betrayal or an escape into my past. I guess what i'm tryin to say is that it's a way for me to pour out myself without words. There's things i can say on paper with paint that i can't with my mouth or writing. It's just an "element" that i like to let myself drewl in. it's my happy place i call it. =] though i don't get to do it often because of my busy life as a full time student & part time worker.
So i know ur thinking...where's the point to this..okay okay it's coming. I promise. (my mind is speaking faster than my hands can type & i forget where i last left off lol. Sooooo.......i've always felt that the arts would be my ministry & worship too God. He gave me the talents. It is definitely not something i've worked on to become a pro at. I was born with my abilites. Yes, i get better but i did not just look in a shopping window & say, "hey i would like to have to talent of painting & dancing!" No i didn't say that, God spoke that into my life while He was sculpting my heart. He purposly position my heart to love the art of dancing & movements & the idea behind painting & creations. So it's my job to GIve it back to HIm in worship. Well this is something i've not entirely done my job with. Yes, i have danced thru drama & thru worship BUT the art of painting has not been a ...here God it's yours.
....that's when the song "Canvas" broke me. you'll have to listen to the song inorder to understand how it applies. It talks about how i am a canvas & it's my purpose to let the great artist to paint his masterpiece on me to show his character & nothing else. wow....brings me to tears everytime i think of the words. THe whole week it's been on my heart & i've just let it surround my mind. I have always wanted to paint during worship....like while people sing & things. cause a part of me comes out that doesn't when i'm doing dramas & ect. it's like my spirit is freely at work. to do whatever it feels. thru color or angles or whatever...even splashes if it'd like. && i told myself....kaci that's not something u should do. people will not understand you. & i've let that hold me back from explaining this part of me to people who care. & some that i've told have not taken me serious. But this week...my hearts been shattered & i'm learning new things about my heart & the way it should be. not the way i've made it because of pausing certain growths & shapes it should have become.
So my hearts a beautiful mess right now. learning & letting go. i've stayed up til late hours doing nothing but drawing & sobbing. painting & laughing. dancing & singing. =] it's an amazing feeling & yes ....God loves me for allowing what He designed for me to be great at...love me back let the fragrance of my happiness & honor flow to the heavens.
THanks to a great friend of mine who totally understood my little talk about this. =] Hopefully if any type of anything comes out of this(art) ...it will reach people that singing & drama & preaching can't reach. I hope it sails into there minds & settles into their souls. it will pretray a lover's life. Love of Jesus Christ! I'm just so AHHHH that God is so serious about this. He could have easily just let me brush it off & stick to my preaching/drama ministry & let me think that this was just a hobby i enjoyed but No He knew that He had placed that in my life for a reason...to reach souls!! So maybe years down the road, I will have a art gallery or paint during a worship service & maybe you will witness the God felt worship thru it or just maybe this will touch u in a way that speaks to your heart. Never doubt yourself. That's something i've learned this week. "I can do ALL things thru Christ..." Worship in your own way. It does not have to be like someone else & don't think ur way will be weird because to be honest...we all look a little weird sometimes =] that's okay. God loves it when we just let ourselves be what He had in mind when He was painting us up during our creation.
I love you all && hope i made some sense in this choas!
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