&& you think your not pretty?!

My summer has mainly consisted of church activities which for me...is amazing!! This is the 1st summer i have had in a long time that i got to actually "fully" dedicate to my church & my God. It's always been hard for me to just let go & let God deal with me during the summer...this meaning, that if He wanted me to go speak at this church or help with this activity, i could do it! I am a very busy person & i get involved with a whole lot of different things during the summer. So anyways, this summer i got to do a lot more stuff within the church & Jesus! =) My activities included:

1)a little over 2 weeks @ COG(church of my God) youth camps.

2)4 weeks of potato shed: i know you are thinking, "what does this have to do with God?" well you'll see! =)

3)8 days of gulf shores

4)church involvement

okay. there's my summer compiled into 4. instead of writing a whole blog on all 4, i am going to do a blog for each cause there's a lot to write about. Here goes #1........COG Youth Camp!

Every since i was 9, I have been very fortunate enough to attend Church of God Youth Camp. Over the 11 years ( cause i'm 20 now) , i have only missed 1 year. Church Camp has had one of the biggest impacts on my life!! Just to give you a little insight.... @ age 11 i was filled with the holy spirit. This happened @ the 11-12 yr old youth camp. I remember the night so well!! my counselor had to carry me to the cabin because i was so heavy in the spirit, i was unable to walk! I remember laying on my bed in the cabin just speaking in His heavenly language. =) such a great experience & just a beginning for me! @ Senior week of camp- summer after my junior year, God spoke to me about a relationship i was in & let me know that in order for me to carry out the plans He had for me, I had to let go of that relationship. So that I did. 2 weeks later, I met a guy at camp while working on staff. By meeting this guy & dating him, My dad got to know his pastor & was offered a job at his church. From that & accepting the church, i was pulled out of my senior year. Yeah.... God knew this was all going to happen & it all started with me listening to Him. So i moved in the middle of my senior year. This is really a long story & i wish i could fill you in but this isn't what i want to blog on this exact blog. I just need to allow you to see the importance camp has had on me. Three summers ago at camp, a minister pulled me aside and spoke to me about a word God had for me. He said that God was going to use me to minister to girls. These girls were going to be a particular area of girls that only i could minister too. HE said that my past would allow me to know the information & words needed to speak to these girls so that i could win them to Christ. SO NOW MY BLOG BEGINS!

This year @ church....that WORD from God came into play. Yes! Three years later, the ministry to some girls came into action.

The 2nd week of camp i worked as a counselor for 13-14 yr. old girls. This has always been my favorite week! But just to be honest, this was my hardest week ever this year!

My cabin consisted of 10 girls. All whom i was responsible for the whole week. This meant, i made sure they bathed, ate, brush their teeith, ect. you get the picture. Well, my cabin has always been easy & i've always known almost every one of the girls in my cabin. This year though was different & i knew the week before something was going to take place.

For several weeks before, God had really been dealing with me. I just prayed & allowed Him to prepare me mentally & spiritually for what ever was headed my way. Well when this particular week took place, i begin to realize exactly what i was instore for. Out of 10 girls, i had 4 that i knew. The rest were girls i had never even laid eyes on. 1 girl had a mental disability which was brought to my attention on day 1 but i begin to realize some other things. One of my girls had some stress situations which had caused her to lose all of her hair therefore causing her to wear a wig. As the week went on, almost 8 out of the 10 girls were on their period & hadn't brought anything to camp with them!!! are you kiddding me...no i am not kidding!!! With this situation alone...i was ready to pull my hair out!!! THese girls had no idea how to stay clean so you can only imagine!!

Then on day 3, i was approached by Sis. J about having another girl enter my cabin who was not fitting in well with the other cabin she had been placed in. So, although it had been a rough time in my cabin with the 9 girls i already had, for some reason i just agreed yes & she was moved into my cabin. Then, my heart was prepared for what i begin to find out.

This girl who had been moved into my cabin had some issues. She had not eaten all week & all she'd wear the whole week was jeans & sweat shirts. FYI, camp temps. are like atleast 90 so sweatshirts & jeans .....NO sir!! No way!! So, i later find out that there were problems at home. This little 13 year old girl had never been called pretty by anyone. She ate every meal given at home, in her room & if anyone came into her room, she no longer ate. She never ate at school because she didn't like eating in front of people. She said they stared at her. Going to the bathroom alone ...she couldn't do it. She had to have someone walk with her. I later came to find out some other issues that i will not post but let me just sum it up & say it all led to an eating disorder & LOW LOW self-esteem!!

So day 4 or my camp trip & day 2 with this girl....i took my hour of free time to just talk to God. I was physically & mentally broke down. I had no idea what to do with all that i had on my plate. I not only had this girl but 1 more girl with an eating disorder, one with stress issues, another who needed attention also & just ONE kaci!! umm yeah i was thinking, God why me?!! then out of no where, HE replyed....Three years of preparation...this is was I had instore for you when i spoke to you about ministering to Girls! THis is it. the time is NOW!!

I just cried. I laid on my bunk & cried my eyes out. Yeah i'm sure all the other counselors probably thought i was dying haha but i was just overwelmed by God & so ahhhhh!!! =) i just laid there in His presence.

That day God began giving me words to speak to this broken girl. Things from my past I had forgotten about that turned out....i had kinda been in this girls shoes. I knew how it felt to feel like you were good enough....i had let a guy make me feel that way at her exact age which had turned into a similar eating disorder. It was not as drastic as her's but it was similar. I never ate at school & if i did it was a pack of crackers & a water & once i got home, I didn 't eat much at all. So i opened up to this little girl & told her that there was only 1 MAN in this world who could make us feel like we ARE good enough. That We are MORE than Good enough. & that is GOD!! I explained to her that HE fashioned her & created her with His on sweat & tears. That He painted her eyes & colored her hair & knew every detail about her because He designed her!! As tears filled her eyes, I began to see some brokeness. I saw some walls crumble a little at a time.

She began to ask question about how i overcome & how i felt so beautiful. i was honest....very honest & explained that it took me to realize God was the only man who would NEVER let me down & NEVER make me feel ugly. I told her that no guy is perfect & no one is perfect. But that she needed to find her beauty in Christ first before she looked to be beautiful in a guy's eyes. I told her everyday i woke up & told myself i was beautiful because i was created by a beautiful designer who fashioned this whole gorgeous portrait which we call earth. I explained that there are times when i don't feel beautiful ...a lot of times...but i remember the God who loves me so much that He took all the hurt i had & have went thru & sculpted into some beautiful that i can look at now & what I see is His masterpiece!!!!

I finally got her to eat after 3 days of no food. I had to count to 3 for every bite she took but it didn't matter to me...i saw a growth & change in her! THat night she took a bath & we got different clothes on her....this meant no more sweatshirt!!! =) woohoo!!! Some ladies did her make up & fixed her hair...you could tell she felt like she really was pretty!

This young lady was a true inspiration to me. She made me realize that i was capable of carrying out what God had placed on my heart. i look back at that week & think how tough it was & how tired & homesick i got. BUt i remember the last night when that girl looked me in the eyes and said thank you!!!! WOW...brings me to tears even now. that thank you didn't mean..woohoo kaci you did it!! it meant woohoo God we did it!! She's Yours!!! She understands that she was created by YOU!!!

This girl has been in my thoughts everyday since. I find myself wondering about her & praying she's progressing. THough i found out she went back to wearing the sweatshirt, i still believe God embraced her at camp & she will find Him more & more everyday. & i know that somehow, the words i said to her or the actions i portrayed at camp will stay with her & in her heart & allow her to Let God Love on her!

I pray that God continues to use me in His work. I know from a very young age that He has placed a great deal of ministry in my heart & I hope to carry it out like He would have me too.

During the same week, they had a prayer line for youth pastors. Yeah i know I am not a youth pastor right now but i know God has designed that ministry for me to be a part of. So i waited to go in line but God pretty much kicked me in the tail to go up there so i did. & once i did...WOah! He kicked HIs presence up a notch!! THe speaker spoke 2 words other than "God told me to tell you to..." && i was out....he said" STOP DOUBTING" i felt God's arms just wrap me tight as he could hold....then he said about of other stuff about letting go of what other's have said & just do what i know to do. DOUBT has been my biggest enemy for a while. it's a weakness of mine. I allow satan & his little pack to get in my head & make me doubt myself. I have always doubted for as long as i remember. It's something i strive to conquer everyday & i do my best at beating it!!!

So laying in the floor....different situations began playing in my mind. God just began pouring His peace all over me. it was kinda like pouring caramel on ice cream. How it's so thick & as it touches the ice cream it begins to harden so you pour more & more because it doesn't seem like it's enough & then when your done, all the caramel is settled around the bowl & it's super thick & gets all over the place when you try to eat it! maybe that made sense lol but anyways i was the ice cream & God was the caramel...& He just settled around me with His thick presence & i just melted around Him in the warmth of it all!!!! I had not felt such compassion in a while!!!!

I've never been a mean person nor one who lashes out on people when they hurt me. I've just always bottled it up & then after a while it'd eat @ me so i'd go home & cry it out. I'm a people pleaser & like to just see everyone happy even if it means hurting myself. Well all the hurt i've held on to for the past couple of years all started boiling to the top that night. All the situations that had caused me doubt... or really people that had cause doubt into my life seemed to come to the top.

Although i let it out that night, there's still some memories of the hurt left. I know people say once you lay it at God's feet you should no longer think about it or let it hinder you...well that's easy to say & hard to do. But i'm doing my best to let it all go. & i must say, I think i'm doing a pretty good job at it =)

I just love God so very much!!! my camp experiences mean so much to me!!! i can not wait to let my kids experience it because i want to see Him move in their lives just like He has mine. God's a great dude & people don't give HIm enough credit. They talk all that talk about I can't believe my hips are this big or i wish i was taller or i wish i weighed less...well if they talked more about God being bigger & how small they are in this world because of the Big God & how they weigh less because He weighs more in their life....all that low self esteem would become high praise!!!

Hopefully this made sense in all my jabberish talk. I try to type as fast as my mind works but it's hard. & i could write for days but then you'd get bored. =) so God bless & remember He loves to know You think His creation is beautiful.....which is YOU!!! You are beautiful because a Beautiful Painter designed you!!!