it's 3:00 in the morning & i'm wide awake in the Word. For the past couple of weeks, God has really pushed me into His Word. I find myself in it & late hours of the night, bright & early in the morning & even during school/work. of course, i love it! it feels great to hear from God. So, one thing that has really bothered me the past month was a statement made about my worship. Someone said that I hadn't been "worshipping" & stuff of that sort. Well that really stirred my spirit & I started to meditate on the word worship. 1st of all..my worhsip has changed over the years. I went thru a stage of what i called "battle-ready worship" because i was fighting for my family & fighting for my future. it took place when i moved here & went thru out my senior year into my freshmen year of college. some of you may not like the fact that i have named a part of worship that took place in my life && i'm sorry but i see no harm & have actually ministered to people thru it. --well now @ 20, i've noticed i am in a "peaceful worship" stage. sometimes i just feel like standing in God's presence smiling at Him. It's the best feeling to feel God's peace just flow all over you & i feel like that's where i am at right now in my life. I feel like it's a mature process for me to just "silently wait" on the Lord. && with that said, Sunday morning during service a lady came up to me & said the lord wanted to tell me that waiting on Him & seeking Him like i had been doing--He had greater plans for me & I would start to see them. talking about a peace..wow. all i could do was smile as tears flooded my face. For sooooo long, i have been so worried about what my future was going to hold after "Northeast." It truly scared me to death to not know what, where, & how i was going to do about school. Yeah, it was easy to talk about how much i wanted to go here & what i wanted my major to be & what the heart of Jesus inside of me wanted to do....but i had no idea how that would ever happen. When you know God & His calling for you & your life, it's tough knowing your not doing everything in ur power to further His kingdom & prove HIs love & fulfill ur calling. it literally made me sick knowing i was not doing my calling --ministry. God has really picked up my heart though & made me realize that there's a time & place for everything, maybe i can't be a worship leader "right now" & maybe i can't be a youth pastor "right now" & maybe i can't clown "right now" BUt i CAN witness...right now & i CAN show His love....right now... & i can grow closer to Him than ever...right now & i can focus on school...right now. I know without a doubt that this is a HUGE growing transitional part of my life! These situations & such i'm going thru are going to make me a stronger person in Him, & our relationship is going to be UNSTOPPABLE! I'm tired of feeling like i'm being held back. No offense to my past relationships but i felt held back. Something was there in every one that just didn't allow the God inside of me to fully Shine thru. I'm not saying they were bad relationships, cause they weren't, but just something wasn't fully AHHHH like bammm Jesus =] &&& so now i'm pumping up the Jesus inside of me & then He'll pump up the right guy for me && there will be so much of Jesus that he shines thru us both. So i know ur wondering why i called this blog..."Pslam 119" well this chapter really hit me hard. several verses stuck to me & so i want to share them with you. it really speaks my journey ..Right now =] wow ..i like using right now lol. So starting with the first few verses it says (btw, i'm reading out of the message.)
1) You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You're blessed when you follow His directions, doing your best to find Him.-----wow, made me feel incredible b/c i am doing the best i can to seek his face. Just like the lady spoke to me.
9)How can a young person live a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your word.
10) i'm single-minded in pursuit of you; don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.---- my mind is focused on nothing more than God && His wordd.
30)I choose the road to somewhere, i post your road signs at every curve & corner.
31)I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; God, don't let me down!
32) I'll run the course you lat out for me if you'll just show me how. ---this is my daily prayer. I've meditated on this mind set. God just show me what you want & i'll do it!
41) Let your love God shape my life.
57)Becase you have satisfied me, God, I promise to do everything you say. ---I get my only satisfaction from God & His love. && i will do Everything to show gratitude. No man alone can satisfy me nor love me without the heart of God himself.
73)with your very own hands you formed me; now breathe your wisdom over me so i can understand you.
74)when they see me waiting, expecting your Word, those who fear you will take heart & be glad.
75) I can see now, God, that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right.
76) oh, love me, right now (there's my word) & hold me tight; just the way you promised. ---these were my favorite. I desire everyday to be "like God" in making decisions & such. I want His powerful wisdom. & to do so, I wait on Him && looking now, I see that everything He's thrown at me has made me this awesome woman of God. Like i can't begin to explain how amazing it feels to know 4 years ago when i decided to end it with tyler & not cheer that i would be here in fyffe alabama at northeast. But it taught me just as the verse says. && now i just want to be loved on & held in HIs arms. Just like he promised me 4 years ago. He promised to never leave my side & i can honestly say, He never has && gosh what an amazing feeling. I have no regrets in leaving in the middle of my senior year, or not cheering, having relationships that didn't last forever, or fyffe..none of it because you know why....it made me this mighty woman of God that I am. I have really thought a lot about myself in this time of singleness, just me & the heart of God. I've learned that I do deserve an amazing man of God who is chasing after His heart just like i am. I deserve to be happy with my life "right now!" I'm not trying to bragg but guys, i am truly amazing! seriously i am because God lives in my heart & owns every single piece of it! He makes me the person I am!! it's because of Him that I've learned to love everyone & to see, hear, & talk with "HIS" eyes, ears, & mouth. God is mighty & terrific & i strive everyday to show just a little bit of HOw amazing he really is because if i can just demonstrate a little bit of His greatness...that will PRove a LOAD of His love!!
I will be finishing up Psalm 119 & the verses God has spoken to me thru soon. I want to really look into so until then...Love & be Loved!! God is Love! I love you all!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
portrait of His character
so, my hearts been super heavy this week. while searching for female christian artist for my friend, i ran across Lisa Gungor. (if u have no idea who she is..take a listen) Well i've heard of her song "wrap me in Your arms" but the first song to play on her page is called "Canvas." Yeahh... i broke out in tears that streamed freely down my face. Gosh...i felt as if this piece of me that had been locked up just waiting for the right time to reveal itself & burst out & screamed..."SEE!!!" For since i can remember, i was always the kidd who would have rather had a color& coloring books than dolls & barbies. (of course those were awesome too) && I remember coming straight from school && tracing pictures out of my reading books until i had traced every single object in all the books i owned. Gosh...it was just an amazing feeling as a kidd to be good at something not everyone else was good at. && i remember drawing pics for my friends & family...& i grew up around paintin & the arts because of my nanny. (she was sooo cool) i loved sittin in a chair beside her & just watch her paint. it was moments that i truly saw her happy. which were rare because she was a very serious person who showed little emotion. But one of the last times i remember seeing her draw in one of my little notepads was one i will cherish with me forever. It was a picture of her house growing up as a kid. While painting, she told me stories of her childhood & growing up in that house. She said, "though this house no longer exist, it exist in my memories still just the same as if i was sittin here looking at it." =] happiness covered her entire face.
Since that day, she has impacted a great part of my heart. Art has always been a passion of mine. Though i'm not exactly great at it... i know it's buried in my heart just waiting to be dugg up, dusted off, & put to use. Though many people don't take this part of me seiously, i know that it's a part of my life i wish i could pour out more often. There's many times in my life when i've just sat down & let my hand do the work. (no telling what they create) it may look like total mess to you but to me it could me heartache & betrayal or an escape into my past. I guess what i'm tryin to say is that it's a way for me to pour out myself without words. There's things i can say on paper with paint that i can't with my mouth or writing. It's just an "element" that i like to let myself drewl in. it's my happy place i call it. =] though i don't get to do it often because of my busy life as a full time student & part time worker.
So i know ur thinking...where's the point to this..okay okay it's coming. I promise. (my mind is speaking faster than my hands can type & i forget where i last left off lol. Sooooo.......i've always felt that the arts would be my ministry & worship too God. He gave me the talents. It is definitely not something i've worked on to become a pro at. I was born with my abilites. Yes, i get better but i did not just look in a shopping window & say, "hey i would like to have to talent of painting & dancing!" No i didn't say that, God spoke that into my life while He was sculpting my heart. He purposly position my heart to love the art of dancing & movements & the idea behind painting & creations. So it's my job to GIve it back to HIm in worship. Well this is something i've not entirely done my job with. Yes, i have danced thru drama & thru worship BUT the art of painting has not been a ...here God it's yours.
....that's when the song "Canvas" broke me. you'll have to listen to the song inorder to understand how it applies. It talks about how i am a canvas & it's my purpose to let the great artist to paint his masterpiece on me to show his character & nothing else. wow....brings me to tears everytime i think of the words. THe whole week it's been on my heart & i've just let it surround my mind. I have always wanted to paint during worship....like while people sing & things. cause a part of me comes out that doesn't when i'm doing dramas & ect. it's like my spirit is freely at work. to do whatever it feels. thru color or angles or whatever...even splashes if it'd like. && i told myself....kaci that's not something u should do. people will not understand you. & i've let that hold me back from explaining this part of me to people who care. & some that i've told have not taken me serious. But this week...my hearts been shattered & i'm learning new things about my heart & the way it should be. not the way i've made it because of pausing certain growths & shapes it should have become.
So my hearts a beautiful mess right now. learning & letting go. i've stayed up til late hours doing nothing but drawing & sobbing. painting & laughing. dancing & singing. =] it's an amazing feeling & yes ....God loves me for allowing what He designed for me to be great at...love me back let the fragrance of my happiness & honor flow to the heavens.
THanks to a great friend of mine who totally understood my little talk about this. =] Hopefully if any type of anything comes out of this(art) ...it will reach people that singing & drama & preaching can't reach. I hope it sails into there minds & settles into their souls. it will pretray a lover's life. Love of Jesus Christ! I'm just so AHHHH that God is so serious about this. He could have easily just let me brush it off & stick to my preaching/drama ministry & let me think that this was just a hobby i enjoyed but No He knew that He had placed that in my life for a reason...to reach souls!! So maybe years down the road, I will have a art gallery or paint during a worship service & maybe you will witness the God felt worship thru it or just maybe this will touch u in a way that speaks to your heart. Never doubt yourself. That's something i've learned this week. "I can do ALL things thru Christ..." Worship in your own way. It does not have to be like someone else & don't think ur way will be weird because to be honest...we all look a little weird sometimes =] that's okay. God loves it when we just let ourselves be what He had in mind when He was painting us up during our creation.
I love you all && hope i made some sense in this choas!
Since that day, she has impacted a great part of my heart. Art has always been a passion of mine. Though i'm not exactly great at it... i know it's buried in my heart just waiting to be dugg up, dusted off, & put to use. Though many people don't take this part of me seiously, i know that it's a part of my life i wish i could pour out more often. There's many times in my life when i've just sat down & let my hand do the work. (no telling what they create) it may look like total mess to you but to me it could me heartache & betrayal or an escape into my past. I guess what i'm tryin to say is that it's a way for me to pour out myself without words. There's things i can say on paper with paint that i can't with my mouth or writing. It's just an "element" that i like to let myself drewl in. it's my happy place i call it. =] though i don't get to do it often because of my busy life as a full time student & part time worker.
So i know ur thinking...where's the point to this..okay okay it's coming. I promise. (my mind is speaking faster than my hands can type & i forget where i last left off lol. Sooooo.......i've always felt that the arts would be my ministry & worship too God. He gave me the talents. It is definitely not something i've worked on to become a pro at. I was born with my abilites. Yes, i get better but i did not just look in a shopping window & say, "hey i would like to have to talent of painting & dancing!" No i didn't say that, God spoke that into my life while He was sculpting my heart. He purposly position my heart to love the art of dancing & movements & the idea behind painting & creations. So it's my job to GIve it back to HIm in worship. Well this is something i've not entirely done my job with. Yes, i have danced thru drama & thru worship BUT the art of painting has not been a ...here God it's yours.
....that's when the song "Canvas" broke me. you'll have to listen to the song inorder to understand how it applies. It talks about how i am a canvas & it's my purpose to let the great artist to paint his masterpiece on me to show his character & nothing else. wow....brings me to tears everytime i think of the words. THe whole week it's been on my heart & i've just let it surround my mind. I have always wanted to paint during worship....like while people sing & things. cause a part of me comes out that doesn't when i'm doing dramas & ect. it's like my spirit is freely at work. to do whatever it feels. thru color or angles or whatever...even splashes if it'd like. && i told myself....kaci that's not something u should do. people will not understand you. & i've let that hold me back from explaining this part of me to people who care. & some that i've told have not taken me serious. But this week...my hearts been shattered & i'm learning new things about my heart & the way it should be. not the way i've made it because of pausing certain growths & shapes it should have become.
So my hearts a beautiful mess right now. learning & letting go. i've stayed up til late hours doing nothing but drawing & sobbing. painting & laughing. dancing & singing. =] it's an amazing feeling & yes ....God loves me for allowing what He designed for me to be great at...love me back let the fragrance of my happiness & honor flow to the heavens.
THanks to a great friend of mine who totally understood my little talk about this. =] Hopefully if any type of anything comes out of this(art) ...it will reach people that singing & drama & preaching can't reach. I hope it sails into there minds & settles into their souls. it will pretray a lover's life. Love of Jesus Christ! I'm just so AHHHH that God is so serious about this. He could have easily just let me brush it off & stick to my preaching/drama ministry & let me think that this was just a hobby i enjoyed but No He knew that He had placed that in my life for a reason...to reach souls!! So maybe years down the road, I will have a art gallery or paint during a worship service & maybe you will witness the God felt worship thru it or just maybe this will touch u in a way that speaks to your heart. Never doubt yourself. That's something i've learned this week. "I can do ALL things thru Christ..." Worship in your own way. It does not have to be like someone else & don't think ur way will be weird because to be honest...we all look a little weird sometimes =] that's okay. God loves it when we just let ourselves be what He had in mind when He was painting us up during our creation.
I love you all && hope i made some sense in this choas!
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